When a Drag Queen Be Prezident

Presidential Race 2012: Announcing a new face for the race, a go fo' sho', a glitter-tastic mega-spastic man-woman minus the plastic: Stella Starlite for the station of Prezident of this flailing nation. Slogan: MMMMM-HMM, GURL. Platform: Platform heels, okay! Let's serve ourselves some realness, ladies, as members of the weirdest, problem-riddenest country today, we need to clean up the act, show a little class, and kick a little tacky-jowly-old-men-bickering-at-each-other ass, can I get a hell-yeah up in he-ah?

Who better to do the job than a Queen who walks the line between the world of men and the kingdom of women, who understands the needs of the male psyche as well as the oceanic depths of a woman's inner workings? Who better to confront the identity crisis of a nation than a character whose identity is wholly created? A politician undeniably undergoes a similar transformation as that of a Queen: what tune are you dancing to, what outfit are you wearing, and how are you going to get the audience (aka the American public) to hold up them bills when you're strutting the catwalk?

Wasn't it cute when bitches got ugly in the last presidential race? Talkin' bout black man this, white woman that. Memo to USA: Your shoes are untied and your head is up your ass! Here's what people really care about, in a nutshell: 6-pack abs, good liquor, and funny shows on tv. Give the people what they want, I say. Every jackass politician / government talking head who is exposed for corruption shall, under Serving Realness Prezidency, be treated to a Comedy Central Roast and stripped of all their Princess Points, STAT. Herds of elephants shall trample through their million-dollar homes on live tv as they are forced to watch piles of dung land on their Hermes furniture and they are made into the laughing stock of the nation, nay, the world. Afterwards, the mansion will be signed over to the exclusive use of reality tv programs such as, but not excluded to, Jersey Shore, Basketball Wives, and Teen Mom.

As for 6-pack abs, let's face it, our food industry is f*cked. Almost every other country in the world has it figured out, why can't we? Here's the deal - "food" and "industry" shouldn't even really be in the same sentence. Manufactured crap is fine if it's something that's not going into your body, and as much as we want to be detached from the powers of nature, time to serve some realness, hot and ready: we are still creatures of the Earth, okay! Go to Mexico, go to Bulgaria, the situation is the same: fresh food for sale the day it was picked off the vine. Real fruit with real seasons! Real vegetables with real dirt on them! Plant a garden, America, your land is green and wants to go to market!

And now for everyone's favorite: good liquor. Letting loose is the gift of being human, I think anyone could agree. Can you imagine the excitement of the first people to discover distillation? Or tobacco? Or marijauna? "Yay!" they must have said, "Having opposable thumbs finally paid off!" Now, however many thousands of years later, America acts like it's some crazy new thing, these wild substances, where did they come from? Why are people smoking cigarettes?, we ask, Why do they enjoy liquor? Don't they want to live a healthy life? I direct your attention to the above paragraph and argue that, no, even if they wanted to, they really are struggling with the whole 'healthy life' thing. Therefore: let the people enjoy their smokes and drinks in peace, whatever that smoke or drink may be, because the pros of pleasure and release simply mathematically outweigh the cons that you cannot stop yourself from bickering about. SERVED.

Money is the sole invention of people's boredom. One day, someone said, "What are we going to do as an intelligent species to fill up all this time we have?" Aha! Let's create an arbitrary system with the illusion of having the utmost importance, impose it on all of human society, and watch as the farce unfolds! Thus the birth of money.

In America, if there is something that we think is a problem, perhaps children starving in Africa or the curing of cancer for example, we think that the problem shall be resolved with the magic of money. Would you like to donate a dollar to the Susan G. Bullshit foundation for the research of cancer? Suzie, gurl, listen... money ain't gonna cure cancer, and it sure as hell ain't gonna clean up Africa, and I'll tell you another thing: the most nonsensical system in regards to money is capitalism because, like, what is the end game? World domination? How long can you expect there to be "growth," (and I ain't talkin' inches, mmmm-kay!), surely even Adam Smith knew it couldn't go on forever.

Consider this: Europe joined together and made the Euro, what's stopping this from occuring worldwide? Let's call the new currency something cheerful, like Popples, and we'll make the bills look like trading cards and the real goal will to be get a Charizard. Money is so transparently stupid, why not just own up for Pete's sake?

...Mama's Good to You!

So what's the one conclusion I can bring this number to? Let's review: good food, good drink, good friends, and a Drag Queen Prezzie = happy nation, happy world. Enough arguing about how other people should or shouldn't live, enough policing the world, and enough depending on oil (can we PLEASE switch to solar-powered cars, already? Hello!), and all voting in future presidential elections shall be determined by a simple Facebook app, can I get a Hallelujah?! Let's all be fellow fierce sisters worldwide and abide by Big Mama's universal rule: When you're good to Mama, Mama's good to you!